Resolving Conflicts

This conflict resolution model can be used successfully to solve problems between spouses, parents and children or between friends. The basic requirement is that everyone involved wants to resolve the conflict.

These ten basic steps will work if you sincerely use them to solve your interpersonal problems.

Step 1. Recognize that there is a conflict. Don’t try to hide or swallow your disappointment from yourself. Do not ignore the problem by making excuses for the other person.

Step 2. Listen carefully to how the other person perceives the problem. Repeat the problem as stated by the other person until he or she agrees that you’ve interpreted it correctly.

Step 3. Set a time when both of you will feel comfortable discussing the problem. Once you understand the problem (Step 2), you should give yourself and the other party some time to think about it. Then, come back to work on it.

Step 4. Get very specific. Break down the problem as stated in Step 2 into smaller steps. Examine how each person’s behavior adds to the problem.

Step 5. Each person has to take responsibility for their own behavior and the role they play in causing the conflict.

Step 6. Brainstorm possible solutions. Sit down and start listing everything each of you could do to help solve or remove the problem. Don’t judge. All parties get to list everything that either one can do that might help.

Step 7. Evaluate all the suggested solutions for each person involved. Select solutions or behaviors that each person will do to try to solve the problem. Both parties must agree on the chosen behaviors.

Step 8. Focus on your own behavior. Each person implements the new behaviors that were agreed on.

Step 9. Evaluate how well the behavior changes are working. If the changes are not working, go back to Step 6 and pick new behaviors or solutions to try. If the changes are working, continue what you are doing until the problem is totally solved.

Step10. If after a few tries the problem still exists, you may need to go back to Step 1 and reevaluate what the real problem is. It’s possible you didn’t really get to the core problem the first time.

Do not beat yourself up if you don’t solve the problem the first time. Some problems are complex and require work to find out what is really happening and why. Once you reach that point, conflicts can be resolved as long as all parties want them resolved. I believe that most conflicts can be resolved when all parties decide or choose to release their personal agenda and work to overcome their personal differences.